"I have sinned"

You know what I like? Not a lot. At least not at the moment. I've understood in these last few weeks how easy it is to really let life bring you down. Maybe even to know what it's like for God to bring you down. Maybe I'm writing this because I'm angry. Maybe I'm writing it because I'm the only one who will gain anything out of it -- and I'm okay with that.

I suck at a lot of things. I sin a lot. I think terrible things a lot. I hate people a lot. I hate myself a lot. I fail at coming anywhere close to Godliness. I violate a lot of God's laws. Pretty much all my limbs should be cut off by now, according to Jesus' standards. I struggle with pride. I struggle with wanting to be the smartest person you know. I struggle with secretly wanting to be liked while I tell everyone I don't care what they think about me. I hide behind humor. I don't like eating in front of people, in fear of being judged. Sometimes I'm afraid even that's a sin.

 This week I've been reading through I and II Samuel. They're my favorite of the Hebrew Scriptures. Saul.. he's funny. The first king of Israel had such a good start, and then he took his eyes off God. He lusted, got prideful, got jealous, gave in to beliefs that were not rooted in Yahweh and it got him into some pretty rough places. But what strikes me most is his ability to confess his sins. Saul more than any other person in the Bible says "I have sinned." The difference between his confession and other's is that while he did confess, Saul never sought penitence. He never changes. He just constantly admits he's wrong and does nothing to stand before God and be transformed by His grace. I don't want to just list my sins. I want to change from them. I want the to seek God like the successor of Saul: David. David screwed up a lot. He wandered far from God, but came back to Him a changed man. He wanted God's heart to be his own.

 The other thing that struck me about Saul is Samuel's reaction to him. Towards the end of Samuel's life, Saul sins yet again. He admits it, and Samuel invites him to participate in an offering to God -- even letting Saul lead the worship. It's a much debated thing whether Samuel did the right thing, but I think he did. Yes, he let a man who sins constantly and never changes lead worship. He knew full well Saul probably wouldn't change this time. So why let him lead? Grace. Hope. We who bear the Light of Christ are to let God transform people. Sometimes that might mean letting people we think unworthy (and who are we to think such things) to lead us to God. Sounds backwards doesn't it? I don't think I fully understand the lesson. But I see beauty in it, anyway.  Unlike Saul, I want to change my ever fleeting heart. I hope those who see me unworthy will show me the same grace Samuel showed Saul. I hope I can do the same to others.

 Father, I have sinned. Change me.