Broken doesn't mean I'm broke

Just a few nights ago Jill and I sat on a bench in her backyard. We had decided to go for a walk, and leave Angie watching Cosby. We needed a walk. It was a long, draining, tear filled day. I think my eyes have leaked more in the last couple weeks than in my entire life. But this night a new feeling had entered my spirit. For whatever reason in the last few weeks I've taken great care and lengths to make sure I'm pleasing others. I know that doesn't sound impressive, but I usually don't care what other think. I'm okay with God, not where I'd like to be for sure, but always stretching to grow.
First I got angry. Part of that still remains, but most of it has faded into apathy. Truth be told, that may be more dangerous than anger. At least with anger you're prone to be active. But nevertheless, this new feeling took over and it was good.
It was fear.
Fear can be such a volatile thing when misdirected. Unfortunately, it's most always misdirected. Believe you me, no one knows fear more intimately than I. I let it dictate a majority of my decisions, and suffer in existence rather than life. But earlier in the day a passage from Luke entered my mind. From the mouth of Jesus, “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.”
Oh, the fear! The beauty! This fear reveals and comforts. Why do I fear what people think? They can only kill me! They can only make me feel broken, ah, but I am not broke. Only God can break me. Only God gets to judge my actions and determine whether I'm His.
But this is scary, too. It's a riptide pulling you under into it's fear but all the while feeling the peace of the quiet and the comfort of the ocean; you know you might die, but you feel okay about going this way. When the tide lets you free to breathe, you almost want to go back to drowning. Almost. It's a freedom of clarity in that moment that only fear of your Maker can give.
This knowledge is something I hope not to forget. Man can only kill my flesh but God will kill everything else. You can only make me feel broken, but God actually breaks me.
At the end of this passage in Luke 12, it says starting at verse 11: "When you are brought before synagogues, rulers, and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
As we sat on that bench, I shared my new feeling with Jill. It brought a peace to us both, I think. If we fear God, we fear nothing because He can take everything.
God, give me words at that time so that I can speak in Your name. Don't let me dwell on what I would like to say, or how I would like to defend myself, but let me have Your heart and speak with Your grace. Allow me the courage to say it all then, and not after the fact when I've let my fear of perception overtake me. I'm Yours. Amen.

stones

I went to church tonight, already having some weighty things on my mind. I took on the usual thought process that most of us take on with church: Leave my problems at the door, and worship God. But I realized this morning at my other church what a miserable idea that is. The problem with that mentality is that I pick up those issues when I go back out the door, and I usually try handling them on my own. Well, that fails every time. Yet, I'm like the dog in Proverbs 26:11 that returns to his own vomit. I constantly try to succeed (and fail) on my own merit. But friends, this is not what we're called to.
The message tonight was a really good one on getting over yourself. Hear it http://www.ustream.tv/channel/epicenter-church there when they get it up. Or listen to any of the other sermons on James. They have been the most challenging messages I've heard in a while. Tonight's hit me particularly hard because of the weight of leading. We talked about how leaders are judged more harshly, which is true, and not just in a church setting. Last week I was told some things, be it second and third hand, about some things said about me that very much stung. Things involving my morality, spirituality, and overall character. Now, I'm not one for gossip and I'm not one for second hand talk and I'll talk with these people when I get over being angry. But the weight of knowing that God called me to be a leader in His Church compounded with these things I heard last week just broke me. I don't know that I'm fit to lead.
I don't cry. It's not how my body reacts to things. Except for tonight. I don't know where it came from. Maybe a fear that everyone is right. Maybe a fear that I'm not being as honest as I should be with myself.
I don't know.
And that was the hard, but beautiful thing to accept tonight. I don't know. I don't know what I don't know. For a guy who is so intent on knowing everything and fixing everything, to not know what's going on in my own head is torture.
Also, I don't care what people think of me. I really don't. I know it's one of those cliche things people say to sound cool or whatever but I really don't care. I've always known I try my best to live as God wants me to. I try to have integrity. I try to follow where He leads so that I know where to lead others. So what others thought was not relevant to me. But this last week all I can do is think how to please others. The thoughts of trying to glorify God have faded and are replaced with the need to try to please everyone else; to get them to like me. I was fine with God.. it's when people started tearing me down that I started distancing myself from Him. Which is ironic because they caused the very thing they falsely accused me of.
So then, what do you do when you feel like you're close to God.. trying to live His love out (and sometimes failing at it) but those closest don't believe you? Is it because it's not evident in my life? Am I really not that close to God? Am I lying to myself? I don't think I am. But how do you confront those things? I feel like I've loved on these people and they just don't see it. Makes me want to give up. But then, should I expect them to see it? Isn't that what Nick was talking about tonight in relation to God? We expect God to give us what we want just because we love Him back. I know I shouldn't have expectations in love. I should just love.
But I can't. I expect too much.
Really, either confront me or drop your stones and leave.

Father,
Heal my pride and help me understand all this. I don't remember even two weeks ago what it was like to not care what others thought of me. I don't know where this need to have people like me came from. I know I should probably learn to be more caring, and there's probably a middle ground I'm missing somewhere but there's got to be a better way to teach me this. I just want to be happy again. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I've been blessed, and I want to enjoy those blessings, God. But I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to bring anyone down but I don't want to be brought down either. I want to encourage, and be encouraged.
I love you, Jesus.
Amen.