Broken doesn't mean I'm broke

Just a few nights ago Jill and I sat on a bench in her backyard. We had decided to go for a walk, and leave Angie watching Cosby. We needed a walk. It was a long, draining, tear filled day. I think my eyes have leaked more in the last couple weeks than in my entire life. But this night a new feeling had entered my spirit. For whatever reason in the last few weeks I've taken great care and lengths to make sure I'm pleasing others. I know that doesn't sound impressive, but I usually don't care what other think. I'm okay with God, not where I'd like to be for sure, but always stretching to grow.
First I got angry. Part of that still remains, but most of it has faded into apathy. Truth be told, that may be more dangerous than anger. At least with anger you're prone to be active. But nevertheless, this new feeling took over and it was good.
It was fear.
Fear can be such a volatile thing when misdirected. Unfortunately, it's most always misdirected. Believe you me, no one knows fear more intimately than I. I let it dictate a majority of my decisions, and suffer in existence rather than life. But earlier in the day a passage from Luke entered my mind. From the mouth of Jesus, “I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.”
Oh, the fear! The beauty! This fear reveals and comforts. Why do I fear what people think? They can only kill me! They can only make me feel broken, ah, but I am not broke. Only God can break me. Only God gets to judge my actions and determine whether I'm His.
But this is scary, too. It's a riptide pulling you under into it's fear but all the while feeling the peace of the quiet and the comfort of the ocean; you know you might die, but you feel okay about going this way. When the tide lets you free to breathe, you almost want to go back to drowning. Almost. It's a freedom of clarity in that moment that only fear of your Maker can give.
This knowledge is something I hope not to forget. Man can only kill my flesh but God will kill everything else. You can only make me feel broken, but God actually breaks me.
At the end of this passage in Luke 12, it says starting at verse 11: "When you are brought before synagogues, rulers, and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
As we sat on that bench, I shared my new feeling with Jill. It brought a peace to us both, I think. If we fear God, we fear nothing because He can take everything.
God, give me words at that time so that I can speak in Your name. Don't let me dwell on what I would like to say, or how I would like to defend myself, but let me have Your heart and speak with Your grace. Allow me the courage to say it all then, and not after the fact when I've let my fear of perception overtake me. I'm Yours. Amen.